Christmas Joy?

Christmas is supposed to be a time of joy.....
That's what's written on all the Christmas cards...
Everyone tells you "Merry Christmas" (except now many are afraid to say the word 'Christmas')..
There are supposed to be many happy times of families happily getting together....

And this year, I am really feeling Christmas Joy.

But I remember many other years when there wasn't much joy in my heart.

I was raised by good, Christian parents, but my Dad could never wait till Christmas Day to give me my present (notice - singular -- one present) so about two weeks before Christmas, he would ask "do you want your present now?"  Of course I'd say yes, and he'd happily give me my one wrapped gift -- but on Christmas Day there would be nothing.  It would feel just like another day.

There was another Christmas, this one in 1968, when my then-husband, daughter and I flew home to be with both sets of parents, and when returning, I noticed a pair of women's boots in my husband's suitcase.....but...they weren't for me, they were for his girlfriend.  It was not a happy time.

The following year in December, I filed for divorce; my daughter and I flew from our home in Cleveland to start our new life in Omaha.  All just a few days before Christmas.  As my husband drove us to the airport, the song that was popular at the time "Leaving on a jet plane, don't know when I'll be back again" came on the car radio, and I started crying.  My husband chided me for crying, saying "there's nothing to cry about"....  Nothing?  The marriage that was supposed to be for life was ending, I was having to start a new life in a new city with no job and no money -- and there was nothing to cry about????  It was not a happy time.

But in 1971we had a pretty good Christmas.  My brother and his family, my daughter and I all were able to go home to the home of my parents in South Dakota for Christmas, and we had a really good time together.  Two weeks later my mother unexpectedly and suddenly died.  She was only 64 years old.  It was not a happy time.

1991 --- By now my daughter was married and living in Abilene, Texas, and I was living in the Denver, Colorado area.  I had no relatives in this city, and since moving here in September of 1988 because of a job transfer, had made some friends, but not really that many.  I knew my daughter couldn't come to see me for the holiday, and I couldn't go to see her or to see my Dad.  It promised to be a lonely day, so I checked around with the friends I knew to see if anyone else had nowhere to go.  I finally found four people and invited them to my place for Christmas.  We all tried to have a good time, but it wasn't like being with family.  But I comforted myself with the fact that at least I didn't spend the day by myself.  Two days later - December 27, my father suddenly died, and I drove to my home town in South Dakota for his funeral.  My brother, his wife, and three of his children as well as my daughter and her husband all also came for the funeral.  The night before the funeral, we all sat in the family room at the mortuary - and had a good time as a family.  This may seem strange - but we all knew that if my father, whose body was in the other room, would know we all were there and we were enjoying being together - he would be happy about it.  So it was a sad time -- and yet it was also a precious time. 

There have been many other Christmases when for one reason or another, I had to work at feeling joy on that day.  My daughter was only 3 1/2 when my first marriage ended, and for her sake I always tried to make Christmas a very special, happy time, but it didn't come easily.  There was another year when we drew names at work for a gift exchange, and there was a fairly small amount that was to be spent on that gift.  However, I had very little money then, and I hated the thought of having to buy a gift for someone in the office when I could barely afford any gifts for my little girl.  That was hard.  But I was mastering the art of pasting a smile on my face, no matter what I felt on the inside.  It's a skill that I have used many times in my life.

My next post will be a much happier post -- I'll share more of the joy that is in my heart this year.